|The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)Tonya Harding Presents… Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?Haven’t you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80’s against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the……Tonya Harding Center For Opponent NeutralizationThat’s right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list:Blow to the knee……………………….. $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)………… $149.95Blow to the head……………………….. $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)…… $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)……. $9.95Poking out one eye……………………… $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)… $79.95Gun shot to the knee……………………. $199.95Gun shot to both knees………………….. $299.95Gun shot to the head……………………. $499.95Impalement in a public place…………….. $999.95Prices subject to change without notice.Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself – just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win
