Q.- NAME:A.- Iam ApplyinQ.- DESIRED POSITION:A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.Q.- DESIRED SALARY:A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.Q.- EDUCATION:A.- Yes.Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:A.- Target for middle-management hostility.Q.- SALARY:A.- Less than I’m worth.Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:A.- It sucked.Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:A.- Any.Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:A.- Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:A.- If I had one, would I be here?Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:A.- Of what?Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be „Do you have a car that runs?“Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?:A.- Only when set on fire.Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE:Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
