A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American FartsLearning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is atraditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifyingthe source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,speculation, the usual rule of thumb being „Who smelled it, dealt it,“or „The smeller’s the feller.“Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xeroxpublication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the linesof Jane’s Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attemptedin print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa1880 – see also „SBD’s“).Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginismfrequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceledpride.Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger andpermeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariablyanonymous, having left the room.Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, atleast to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of aseries; originator betrays disappointment.Fudgies: See Wet Ones.One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usuallysignified BY the the artist’s „tilting“. Ricocheting off metal „bridgechairs“ or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produceblushes, giggles, glares.Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lackingsonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.SBD’s: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law ofConservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities iscompensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanismresponsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing aboutsuspiciously.Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishingduration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomatesor frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for allconcerned.Wet Ones: (aka Brewer’s Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples areaccompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporouscontent. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walkingfunny.Whiffers: see Poohs.