ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:You’ll be making under $7 an hour.ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.IMMEDIATE OPENING:The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend.FLEXIBLE HOURS:Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAILWe have no quality control.COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).APPLY IN PERSON:If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:You whine, you’re fired.I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:“I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:I’ve used Microsoft Office.I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:“I pilfer office supplies.MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes.I’M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer.MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.I AM ADAPTABLE:I’ve changed jobs a lot.I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:I’m a college drop-out.THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:Wait! Don’t throw me away!I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
