The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. – Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho MarxPolitics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does. – Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers. – W. Somerset MaughamThere’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman’s idea and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. – Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. – H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. – H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. – H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. – H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. – H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. – H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. – Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. – MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. – Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. – Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. – NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. – NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. – PJ O’RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. – Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. – Poor Jimmy’s AlmanacIt doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. – RogersA husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. – Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. – Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, „I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…“; they leave skid marks. – Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. – Rolling Stone Classified AdDon’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb
