Redneck’s Ode to a ValentineKudzu is green. My Dog’s name is Blue. And I’m so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin‘ in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo’re as graceful as okry jist a-dancin‘ in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we’s in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I’m in hawg heaven. I’m plumb out of my wits. And speakin‘ of wits, You got plenty fer shore. ‚Cuz you are my woman. I can’t ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo’re there for yore man To patch up life’s toubles And stick ‚em in the can. Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler Racin‘ through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo’re as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin‘ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant On which I oft treat. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.) When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete. There ain’t nothin‘ I lack. Yore complexion’s perfection Like the best vinly sidin‘, Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin‘. And when you get old Like a ’57 Chevy, I won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me ’n‘ you’s like a Moon Pie with a cold RC drank. We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine’s Day. They git it at Wal-Mart. It’s romatic that way. Some men, they git roses On that special day From a coller at Food World. „That’s impressive,“ I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. „A diamond’s forever,“ They explain, suave and couth. But for this feller, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You old sweet thang, you. I got you a gift without taste nor odor. Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin‘ motor.
