The Mom Dictionary!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.BABY:1. Dad, when he gets a cold.2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.COOK:1. Act of preparing food for consumption.2. Mom’s other name.COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.DUST RAGS: See „DAD’S UNDERWEAR.“EAR: A place where kids store dirt.EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.EMPTY NEST: See „WISHFUL THINKING.“ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.“EXCUSE ME“: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be „put out“ by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question „What’s for dinner tonight?“ See „SARCASM“FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.GUM: Adhesive for the hair.HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.“I SAID SO“: Reason enough, according to MomJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends‘ homes for the night.JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.“JEEEEEEEEZ!“: Slang for „Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?“JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.KISS: Mom medicine.LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.LIE: An „exaggeration“ Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.LOSERS: See „Kids‘ Friends“MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look „like a tramp.“MAYBE: No.MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.“MOMMMMMMM!“: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.MUSH:1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.2. Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear „the geeky thing.“REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s „special needs.“TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be „Just like Daddy.“WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME“: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.