* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….it’ll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me….“We are all individuals.“* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists….they don’t expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally….* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you
