How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you „like it that way.“ Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is „to go.“ Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of „Sweating to the Oldies“ over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: „Do you hear that?“ „What?“ „Never mind, it’s gone now.“ Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog „Dog.“ Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with „That’s what YOU think.“ Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a „real hoot“. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off „in case the big one comes“. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers‘ brains, such as „Feliz Navidad. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to „interface“ with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your „superior mental processing.“ Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant „swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!“ Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about „psychological profiles.“Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a „magic picture“. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate „crop circles“ in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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